What to do When Your Premiership Team Sucks

A fully loaded old jalopy (car) and a modern BMTA (Bangkok Metropolitan Transit Authoriy) bus share a street in Bangkok, Thailand.

I get faced with this situation frequently as a Newcastle United supporter. Here is how I cope:

1.) Bitching with other fans. Misery loves company. This is an easy one if you actually live near your club. But for those of us who live 5,000+ miles away from England, it’s a bit more difficult. Especially because most Yanks are band-wagon jumpers and support a team in the Big Six. Smart…but a little sheep-like. Those of us daring enough (read: stupid enough) to pick a team — such as Newcastle — permanently destined to flop and struggle in the netherworlds of the EPL league table (or worse) are few. But we need to find each other.

2.) Supporting Real Madrid, Bayern Munich, or Juventus. There is no better remedy to being a fan of an ineffectual Premiership club than taking up the banner of one of the top club in another country’s league. So you messed up and decided to support Queen’s Park Rangers because you liked their name? That’s okay. The Bernabeu is waiting for you filled with the open arms of millions of Madrilenos. You want to back a winner? Look abroad…and do it right this time.

3.) Watch YouTube videos of your team’s former glories. Assuming there are any…the former “great goals” from your now anemic favorite team are all awaiting you in the magic river of information and content that is the Internet. How ever bad your team is now, they must have had at least a few moments in the sun here or there. Right? Even if you have to go back to a time when football boots were actually boots and the ball was made of a sheep’s bladder held together by rawhide laces, you must revel in a time when your club had some potency. After all, in geological time 100 years is but a fraction of a fraction of an instant. Thus, something that happened in 1917 could just as well have happened today for all Mother Earth knows!

4.) Blame yourself. You forgot to wear your team scarf last match, didn’t you? Clearly that’s why they were pummeled to the tune of 5-0 and didn’t even make one shot on goal. Have you ever heard of the Butterfly Effect? An antelope sneezing in Beijing causes a Botswani shopkeeper in Ponsonby-on-Gobswitch to catch a cold. Same thing is at work here. Search yourself. Figure out where you went wrong, and don’t let it happen again.

5.) Count your blessings. Sure, your team stinks, but will you be eaten alive by wild dogs today? No. Will aliens kidnap you and use you for scientific experiments before wiping your memory clean so that you cannot remember the tiny monster they implanted in your brain that will gradually, over the course of several years, cause you to become insane? Probably not. So shut up. You have a lot to be thankful for.

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